Alright, listen up you health chasers, tired souls, and wannabe immortals: If you’ve ever looked in the mirror at 7 a.m. and thought, “I need a reset button for this whole human body thing,” let me introduce you to your new best frenemy—raw garlic. Yeah, the little stinky clove hiding in your kitchen drawer? Turns out, it might just be nature’s nuclear warhead for disease, brain fog, belly fat, and bad vibes.

And yes—I ate it. Every. Single. Morning. Raw. No toast. No eggs. Just me, the clove, and a glass of water. The results? Buckle up.

1. I Didn’t Get Sick—Like, Not Even a Sneeze First things first: this stuff is an immunity bulldozer. Raw garlic is packed with allicin—a compound that kicks bacteria, viruses, and fungi right in the metaphorical crotch. I work around humans (ugh), and usually catch at least one death-cold a month. But this month? Not a sniffle. It’s like my immune system got upgraded to boss mode.

2. My Blood Pressure? Chill. I checked it. My doctor checked it. Even my smartwatch got in on the hype. Garlic has vasodilation powers—it literally helps widen your blood vessels so your heart doesn’t have to Hulk-smash its way through your arteries.

3. My Gut Stopped Acting Like a Drama Queen If you’ve ever felt like your stomach was auditioning for a soap opera—gas, bloating, mystery cramps—raw garlic might be the tough love it needs. It wiped out the bloating and helped me, uh, stay regular. It’s like my gut bacteria said, “Oh dang, the queen’s home” and shaped up.

4. Metabolism? Activated. After two weeks, I noticed my pants were looser. My morning metabolism was turbo-charged. Raw garlic stimulates digestion and helps regulate blood sugar, which meant fewer snack attacks and a general sense that my body was finally burning the right fuel. It’s not magic, but it feels kinda magical.

5. Mental Clarity? Better Than Coffee (Almost) I’m not giving up my coffee anytime soon—don’t get crazy—but garlic gave me a weirdly focused energy. It’s like my brain fog was replaced with a new internal narrator that actually knew what it was doing. Less zoning out, more zoning in.

6. My Skin Got a Little Glowier. My Hair Got Sassier. Garlic helps your body produce collagen, and it improves blood flow to your scalp. Translation? Your face and hair might actually start thanking you for the stink. I had two separate people ask what highlighter I was using. (Answer: It was garlic. Just garlic.)

7. Inflammation? Gone Girl. I’ve got old sports injuries, joint aches, and occasional hobbling like a 90-year-old wizard. Raw garlic helped tone that down. Its anti-inflammatory compounds don’t play. It’s like ibuprofen from a garden.

8. The Morning Ritual Became… Kinda Empowering? There’s something badass about swallowing something that tastes like fire and smells like war at sunrise. It made me feel like I was doing something primal, ancient, and powerful. Like I was leveling up. (Bonus: vampires definitely avoided me.)

9. The Catch: Yes, You’ll Smell Listen, this isn’t some Hollywood detox. You will smell like garlic. Your breath will wage war on personal space. But honestly? The benefits outweigh the stink. Just keep some parsley, mint, or green tea around—or chew cloves (ironically) to mask it.

How to Do It Without Crying

Crush or finely chop 1 small clove (start small!)
Let it sit 10 minutes (activates allicin, the good stuff)
Swallow with a glass of water
Optional: Mix with honey if you’re a baby

Final Verdict: Join the Garlic Cult If you want to feel like your own damn superhero, try it. It’s cheap, natural, and probably sitting in your kitchen right now.

Is it for everyone? Maybe not. But if you’re tired of waking up tired, if your gut’s moody, if your skin’s dull, or your immune system is snoozing—wake it the hell up with garlic.

Just… maybe don’t schedule a first date or a job interview right after. Unless they love garlic too. In that case? Marry them.